


Matchmaking is a Science

by havsgast



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Background Intrulogical - Freeform, Hinted Sleepxiety, M/M, aromantic Virgil
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-07
Updated: 2019-09-07
Packaged: 2020-10-12 01:22:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20555882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/havsgast/pseuds/havsgast
Summary: Prompt: Roceit where Remus is trying to get Roman and Deceit together





	Matchmaking is a Science

**Author's Note:**

> it's questionable science time

Remus had learnt three very important things after he started to date Logan.

  1. Being listened to and taken seriously was amazing
  2. He could literally die from affection, it was so good
  3. The only difference between screwing around and doing science is writing it down

As such science had become his new favourite thing. Especially after Logan explained how love was caused by your brain producing different levels of dopamine, norepinephrine, serotonin, and oxytocin. If love could be science, then setting his fellow sides up could be a science project!

The first step was choosing the test subjects. He had immediately crossed out Patton from the list, as the parental figure wasn’t legally allowed to date. It was a law he and Roman had come up with when they were younger since everyone knew that dads could only be married or single, no in-between. The next name to be crossed out was Virgil. For all that Remus could be mean, he wasn’t outright cruel, and it would be cruel to force someone aromantic to be in a science project focused on love. There was also the detail that Virgil seemed to have something going on with Remy, and Remus did not want Sleep to come after him.

With Thomas not even being an option, as Logan had forbidden him from involving their host in any science projects, that only left Roman and Deceit.

Thinking about it, those two were the perfect test subjects for this particular project. Both wanted people to listen to them, both craved affection, and they both lied about not needing affection. They were meant for each other!

The next step was to come up with a hypothesis. Except Remus had no interest in actually being scientific, so he instead summoned a giant bulletin board to plan situations that would make Roman and Deceit fall in love. First, he put up two pictures in the middle of the board: one of Roman, and one of Deceit. Then he used red string to connect between the photos and post-it notes were he had written down what his test subjects liked and disliked. There were some common things, like classical music, waltzing, and flowers - except Roman preferred his roses to be alive, while Deceit kept dried bouquets. What really connected the two was their dramatic flair and interest in romanticism.

With a connection to build from, Remus started experimenting on his unknowing subjects.

Experiment #1: Kidnap subjects in their sleep and let them wake up to a romantic graveyard date in the Imagination  
Expectations: They go with the flow, enjoy the food that Remus prepared, and talk  
Reality: Roman is scared, the food is ignored, and Deceit takes interest in the gravestone inscriptions  
Aftermath: No longer allowed to kidnap subjects in their sleep after Logan found out

Experiment #2: Send formal invitations to the subjects inviting them to dinner in the Imagination castle  
Expectations: A romantic candlelit dinner as an orchestra of animals play music  
Reality: One of the animals from the orchestra accidentally caused a candle to topple over, setting the curtains on fire before the dinner could begin  
Aftermath: Everyone had to sit through a lecture on what to do in case of fire as neither stabbing the fire (Roman) or pouring wine on it (Deceit) are acceptable ways to put a fire out

Experiment #3: Talk to subjects about the other  
Expectation: They’ll see the other in a new light after hearing Remus singing their praises  
Reality: They took it as an opportunity to vent about the other - Remus zoned out in both conversations  
Aftermath: Remus spent an hour making sure Logan knew how loved and appreciated he is

Experiment #4: Tell subjects to just fuck already  
Expectation: They take the advice  
Reality: They team up to embarrass him in front of Logan  
Aftermath: Patton baked him cookies and shared some stories of their embarrassing phases

Experiment #5: Instead of the Princess and the Frog, it’s the Prince and the Snake  
Expectation: Roman immediately connect the dots and kisses the snake, who turns back into Deceit, and they live happily ever after  
Reality:

Remus was on his last idea. Technically, his last idea was locking the two into a closet but Logan had used his one veto on that. It might also have been the only idea that he told Logan about because at least one of his earlier experiments would surely have been vetoed otherwise. Using science as a reason did not work when your boyfriend asked what science, as “all the science” weren’t an acceptable answer.

It was out of a mix of frustration and creative genius that he decided to turn Deceit into a snake. And throw said snake to Roman without any explanation. When everyone was gathered in the living room for family movie night. To be fair, Remus had never pretended like he actually thought things through. It had seemed like a good idea, so he did it, simple as that.

Deceit hissed angrily at him from where he had made himself comfortable around Roman’s shoulders.

“Not that I’m not amused, but what the hell Remus?” Virgil asked while he tried to not laugh.

“Let’s just turn him back and return to our movie night.” Logan pushed his glasses up as he tried to do just that. “Remus, why can’t I turn him back?”

“Oh, maybe he needs a kiss!” Patton suggested, bouncing on the balls of his feet. He would probably have loved to hug the danger noodle if not for the way that Deceit glared at him. It was an impressive glare considering he was currently a snake.

“True love’s kiss!” Roman exclaimed. “You’re a genius, padre.”

“So who is going to kiss him?” Virgil asked. He had taken his phone out to immortalise the moment, and to share what was happening with Remy.

“Uh…”

Patton and Roman looked questioningly at each other, as they were the only valid options. Or rather, Patton was doing something weird with his face that Remus couldn’t make sense of, but it caused Roman’s face to grow red. It was definitely fun to see his brother getting flustered because of something Patton out of all people did.

The stare-off - if one could call it that - ends with Roman moving Deceit from his shoulders so that he instead has the slippery snake in his arms. Logan is the only one to politely look away as Roman bends down to press a kiss to Deceit’s snout. There’s a completely unnecessary poof of smoke as the kiss makes Deceit turn back. He looks quite comfortable where Roman is holding him in a bridal carry.

“I love you too, Roman, but if you excuse me, I need to kill your brother,” Deceit said, a smug smile on his lips even as he glared at Remus. He made no move to actually get down from Roman’s arms.

“Wait,” Roman spluttered out as he helped Deceit stand up. “Does that mean we are dating now?”

“Roman, we’ve been dating for a month,” Deceit informed him and lightly kissed his cheek. He took the opportunity to steal Roman’s sword from its sheath.

“What! Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Later, darling, I still need to kill your brother.”

Aftermath: Remus didn’t get killed, but Deceit did manage to stab him. It was worth it since his science project was a success and he got to see his brother and best friend being mushy and in love. As a bonus, he got Logan to nurse him back to health as he healed from the stab-wound.

**Author's Note:**

> remus is not the most reliable narrator considering how little of the aftermath that he actually paid attention to. also he should probably not have zoned out when they were venting lol
> 
> find me @ loveceit on tumblr


End file.
